it should be easy

by rishi popat

Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Tick. Tock. Time seems to move unbearably slow when you have nothing on your mind. Nothing to think about. Nothing to feel about. Nothing left to care about. I keep staring at the clock, but time seems to be punishing me. Indeed. The familiar gleam of my phone illuminates my face, photons bouncing off my face and disappearing.

It’s pitch black all around me, yet I know just where I am, I’m my bathroom. The familiar tiled floor below me feels cold to the touch. I’m sitting, my legs between my arms. It’s nothing to worry about, I tell myself, it’ll pass, it's only temporary, this is nothing, I can handle more, I’m strong, I’m strong, I’m strong I’m strong I’m strong I’m strong I’m strong I’m strong I’m strong I’m strong. I feel nothing inside of me, yet my gut refuses to believe that, and it is right. I do feel something, something so strong I feel like crying, letting it all out. But it won’t. I can’t cry anymore, I can’t get up every day, I can’t face myself in the mirror without thinking about my body. I can’t face people without getting a panic attack or putting on my “happy face”.

What’s so wrong with wanting to be alone anyway? I don’t know. I feel insuperable pressure every time I’m with my parents, or my friends. Is it so wrong with wanting to get rid of this world? What’s so wrong with wanting to leave all the bad people who tease me, mock me, make me feel worthless. I gotta give it to ‘em though, it worked. I now feel worthless. I want to leave everyone behind. I want to live in my world. I don’t care that it's only a picture of how I want things to be, I don’t care that I was born oceans apart from where I want to be, I don’t care that I know that I can’t get that life anymore, because I got this one.

Why do I want to change my life you ask? Well because it's rotting from the inside, and the signs are starting to show. I start to have thoughts, bad ones. I feel as if everyone’s looking at me, judging me, hating me. I know It isn’t true, but I can’t seem to do anything about it.

I make one small mistake, I feel like my life’s ruined, I get paranoid, for needless reasons. I accidentally stepped on someone’s shoe on the way to breakfast? Now I will go on to the library to find solace.

I like stories, books. It feels like I’m not me. Like I’m suddenly the hero of my life, I always defeat the monsters, no matter if they attack again and again, I just do. I always get the girl. Always get the darned girl. Why is it that girls only care if a guy’s perfect, has abs, biceps, does good in everything.

I’m not like that. That’s why I’ll never get anyone to care for me. The world only wants Mr. Perfect, not the guy who loves physics but has crippling anxiety. I have friends, yes. Friends. Funny word. it means “to love”. Again then, I question myself, “do I have friends? Do they care about me? If I kill myself tomorrow, will they just replace me?”

I know what you’re going to say, I truly do, because it’s the only thing anyone ever does when they find out, don’t they? Well I don’t want your filthy pity. Come to me when you realize what I am, what I can be, who I can be.

Nothing to feel about, nothing to think about, move on.